"How Are You?" by Rev. Barbara Merritt

[Memos from Rev. Barbara Merritt and Rev. Tom Schade]

M I N I S T E R ‘ S   M E M O
“How Are You?”
It can be a greeting of blessing, comfort and engagement. Someone cares
about your well-being! Someone has stepped out of their own narrow frame of
reference to inquire about the reality of another. Someone has crossed over
the barriers that separate us to inquire about the happiness, the health and
the emotional state of a friend, a colleague, a family member or even a
stranger.
On the other hand, this common expression of goodwill can be no more than a
formal salutation; an ordinary ritual that is meant to be brief, casual and
contained. Self-revelation is not invited. Honesty is not valued. The only
correct reply to this kind of “How are you?” is “Fine.” End of conversation.
Unless you want to return the favor and ask the questioner, “And how are you
doing?” If he or she answers, “Never better” or “No Complaints” or “Great!”
you can both go on your merry way.
But what if things are not “fine”? What if you have a whole litany of
complaints? What if you can barely function? Is “just fine” the only civil
exchange of pleasantries possible?
A friend taught me that during times of exceptional struggle, you can answer
the “How are you?” question by saying, “Taking in air.” This establishes the
bar at a nice low level. “I am breathing. . .I am here. . .I am not on a
respirator.” Sometimes that is accomplishment enough. As 12-step programs
understand so well (with “one day at a time” or “one hour at a time”)
sometimes the simple act of getting through the day is a profile in courage.
Then there are the acronyms that allow you to answer all questions about
your mental and physical health with the snappy comeback “fine.” Fine
meaning:
Frantic Irritable Nervous (&) Exhausted
Fully Imploding (with) Numerous Emergencies.
Finally Inseparable (from) Narcissistic Egotism.
Fearfully Incapable (of) Noticeable Enthusiasm.
Feeling Intensely Neurotic (&) Edgy.
Frightfully Inarticulate (with) Non-stop Expletives.
The more common reply, “Good” can carry its own weight, if it is understood
to contain the acronym
“Genuinely Overwhelmed, Occasionally Delusional.”
Yet exceptionally gracious days come to us all. Then we can answer questions
about our state of being with both “positivity” and real integrity. When we
say, “I’m wonderful!” it means the sun is shining and I’m delighted to see
you, and I’m feeling rather hopeful about and grateful for this day that has
been given to me. And, I’m looking forward to entering in to a longer
conversation.
“Greetings” were never meant to freight the entire substance of human
interaction and conversation. They are rather a symbolic salute, a brief
welcome, a signal that we make to each other that we are aware of another’s
presence, and that we are paying attention. No matter whether we are at our
very best or at our very worst, it is a good spiritual discipline to face
one another and speak.
But the truth at the heart of these exchanges is that we are rarely
completely inundated by either total suffering or total happiness. We are
usually navigating through a complicated mix of both good and bad, fortune
and misfortune, comfort and worry. Which brings me to parishioner, Jeff
Bailey’s reply to me this Sunday. To the question, “How are you?” he
answered with a smile, “I don’t know!” This woke me up to the marvelous
recognition that all of our assessments about the quality of our existence
and the meaning of our moods are transitory and limited.
Probably the only one who genuinely knows “how I am” is God. Only an
all-powerful source of goodness and truth and love would have the capacity
to discern where I am on my spiritual journey. Me? I don’t have a clue.
I’ll keep answering, “Fine” or “Not so good,” using countless translations
and imaginations about how I think my life is proceeding. But as a Unitarian
Universalist, it is good to be reminded that ultimately none of us know the
truth about the mystery of our own being. How we “are” is a work in
progress. And this will be true, as long as we are “taking in air.”

                                                      Barbara
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