"Without Warning" by Rev. Thomas Schade

[Memos from Rev. Barbara Merritt and Rev. Tom Schade]

M I N I S T E R’S   M E M O

“Without Warning”
Candidates for President make ads about the phone ringing at 3 a.m. in the
White House. The ringing red phone symbolizes a crisis that occurs somewhere
far away while the nation sleeps. But for most of us, when the phone rings
at 3 a.m., we hurry to phone with thoughts of an unexpected death foremost
in our minds. No one calls with good news at 3 a.m., and the news of a
sudden death of someone we love is the worst news of all.

Unexpected death can come in many forms: accidents, heart attacks, strokes,
aneurisms, suicides and the silent slipping away in the night while
sleeping. Even when someone is elderly and quite sick, death can be
unexpected and without warning, even though no one is surprised when they
think about it. Sudden deaths are often mysterious; the exact cause of death
may not be known for quite a while. In some cases, where death is clearly by
natural causes, full post-mortems or autopsies are not done, and the precise
cause of death is never known.

We moderns think that the ancients were superstitious and fanciful because
they told stories of God striking people dead with a thunderbolt. Given what
they knew, “smiting” was not an implausible explanation for an aneurysm, or
a sudden cerebral hemorrhage, or a massive heart attack.

Rev. Merritt and I have presided over quite a few funerals in the recent
months, and a majority of them have had the element of sudden death in them.

Unexpected death is particularly hard on those who are left behind. When
someone you love is dying of an illness, it takes weeks to reconcile to the
thought of their impending death. There is time for grieving in anticipation
of the loss. In many cases, witnessing the dying person’s suffering and
decline bring the family and friends to the point where they can see the
final dying as a relief, and an end to suffering. There are chances to have
those powerful conversations that sum up life and heal old relationships.
When death comes without warning, so much of the process of reconciliation
to death does not happen.

Of course, people who lose someone suddenly experience more disbelief; it
takes longer for the reality of the loss to set in. And there is more
yearning, because there is more that wasn’t said, but should have been, and
more that should have been done together. Of course, there is more yearning,
because there was never that chance to say good-bye. People yearn for just
one more day, one more conversation.

When the person who died had been ill, or was very elderly, those who are
left behind often feel foolish because they feel shock or surprise. But
think about that: just because a particular death is not statistically
improbable, does not mean that it cannot surprise family members when it
happens, nor should it diminish the grief that they feel.

One of the oddest things about sudden death is that many people hope for it
for themselves, but not for those they love.

When a person is younger and healthier, the prospect of living in
anticipation of his or her own death seems terrifying and dreadful,
literally a life full of dread. Thinking far ahead, into the abstract
future, it seems a better deal to go quickly, without warning, or in one’s
sleep: to go straight from enjoying life to the fullest to knocking on the
Pearly Gates before you even know what hit you.

Of course, to hope for your own sudden death ignores how hard such a death
would be for your friends and family: the shock, the crater it would make in
their lives, that 3 a.m. phone call.

It’s a fact of life that death takes some getting used to. I am not one of
those who believe that we ought to live every moment full of the awareness
of our own inevitable deaths, and the death of everyone we love. I would
suspect that there is some deeper structure of our minds that causes us to
put death out of our minds most of the time. There is not much utility in
futility.

When we live in conscious anticipation of our death, or the death of one we
love, we are shifting into another mode of consciousness altogether, a way
of thinking and feeling that is set apart. It can be terrifying, indeed
terror may be at the entry gate, but once the terror subsides, what comes
may be a time of powerful sharing and deeper love.

Let us hold in our thoughts and prayers all those who carry the heavy burden
of grief, especially those whose load is made more heavy because of
unexpected death.










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